eature article

Being a great dad

Many dads tell me that they want a better relationship with their children, particularly their sons, than they had with their own fathers.

There’s no doubt that fathering has changed in recent years. Gone is the distant dad of the 1960’s and 70’s who saw his main job as keeping a roof over his family’s head and bread on the table. An occasional game in the backyard and dishing out the heavy discipline that mums couldn’t deal with was the extent of his involvement with his kids.

Many dads tell me that they want a better relationship with their children, particularly their sons, than they had with their own fathers. Sadly, many men still don’t enjoy a close relationship with their fathers, but they are determined to change things with their own kids.

Here are seven ideas to help you form close relationships with your kids, and maximise your effectiveness as a parent and a partner:

1. Find something in common with your kids.

Dads need something in common with their children. They relate better when they have a shared interest or shared passion with their kids. Many men relate to their kids while being active, and teach many important lessons through games and play. But if sport is not your bag, find something else that you and your kids have in common. A common interest is a great help for fathers who live apart from their kids who are looking to maximise the time they have with them.

2. Spend time with your sons.

A dad can do little wrong in the eyes of a young boy. From around the age of five years a boy thinks his dad is like superman. Ironically, he may give his mum a hard time at this stage. Dads need to spend as much time with their sons in these impressionable years as possible. They just need to be careful not to push their sons too hard or turn every game into a lesson. That’s when boys turn off their dads.

3. Don’t whimp out on discipline

Dads are traditionally the kings of play, but they can go missing when it comes to discipline. They get their kids excited in a game before going to bed, then expect their partner to settle them down. It helps if both parents can take their share of managing children’s behaviour.

4. Treat your daughters well

There are strong links between close fathering and the healthy development of girls. Dads teach their daughters strong lessons about how they should be treated by males. So dads need to treat their daughters respectfully so they learn to expect this treatment in their future relationships with men.

5. Say good bye Superman, hello Clarke Kent

Adolescent boys are programmed to challenge their fathers. It’s part of the growing up process. Australian author John Marsden refers to this phenomenon as the ‘old ram, young ram syndrome’. He’s right. It’s a type of rite of passage that plays out in many Australian homes. Verbal jousting matches are a popular father-son game where boys take great delight in proving their fathers are fallible. Dads at this stage need a sense of humour as well as a willingness to stand back and allow other mentors in to his son’s life.

6. Support your partner

Fathers may play an integral part in the lives of their children but they also have a profound effect on the quality of mothering that children receive. There is little doubt that a woman who can share the emotional and financial burdens of child-rearing with a supportive partner is more likely to be a loving, affirming mother. Supportive fathering is one of the keys to better mothering.

7. Change as your child changes

Kids grow up at the speed of light and change before you know it. They’re kids one day and teenagers the next. They can catch many fathers unaware. The most effective dads are those who change their parenting to suit the needs of their kids at each stage of development, rather than stubbornly hold to outmoded ideas of how they think their kids should be. Those fathers who are a little apprehensive or lack sufficient confidence should become involved in as many aspects of parenting as they can.

The best way to learn about parenting is by doing it. Children are a terrific resource for fathers - men can learn about children from children themselves. By being alert, watchful and learning to listen to their children fathers can learn all they need to know about parenting.

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PO Box 167 Balnarring VIC 3926 P. + 61 3 5983 1798 F. 03 5983 1722 E. office@parentingideas.com.au